Holy Shit

2011, you certainly left us wiser.

It's funny looking back at my new year's post from 2010, wishing that 2011 would be a good year. I was thinking "good" merely in terms of fewer hassles. But here I am posting a year later with a photo of my baby. How can that be? How can I have a baby? And yet...here he is, growing more adorable with each passing day and making us wonder how there could ever be a time when he wasn't here. "Good" indeed! My favorite memories of 2011 were the surprise of discovering we were having a baby, my mostly-wonderful pregnancy, and meeting Caleb and discovering what it's like to be parents. I'd love to be eloquent and poignant here, but what really sums this up for me is "holy shit!"

That's actually a good summing up of this whole year. Aside from having a baby, which is quite enough to rock our worlds, we both had surgery (Dave on his nose, me a c-section), we both have new jobs and not by choice (Dave's school closed and my department restructured), and we found ourselves enmeshed in a lengthy and very costly court case about Dave's mother's estate that is still unresolved. Related to that, we had multiple estate emergencies to deal with (burst pipe, dropped home insurance, finding new insurance, threatened foreclosure). We got a new fence put up in our yard. The summer government shut down almost cost Dave his new job. I went to New Orleans. We both went to Boston. Dave had to move to our house everything of his from his mother's house (a considerable amount of stuff), and do so right in the middle of our reconfiguring our own house to accomodate a nursery. Oh, yeah, and I got another Master's Degree. I can't stop looking back on all this like one might stare at a multi-car pile up. 2011, you were ridiculous! Seriously, what the hell?

And the craziness of our lives is nothing compared to what others' are going through right now. So many people had life-changing developments in 2011. And even looking at the Year-End magainzes, the level of change in the world is absurd.

But while 2011 really did beat us senseless, it's hard to rail against the injustices of the world when simultaneously creating and caring for a beautiful new life. 2011 is the marking point for us of "before" and "after." And for that, 2011, you will always be the most beautiful of years even though on the outside you appeared quite ugly.

You left us wiser. You left us stronger. You blew our minds. I salute you one final time. Now I'm off to hold my baby boy and feel some peace amid the chaos.

Caleb Edward Topness Witkowski

There is not the leisurely time to blog I thought I'd have during my maternity leave, so I will make this one quick and shortish.

Things to know about Caleb:

1. He was born on September 23, the autumnal equinox
2. He's a Virgo/Libra cusp baby
3. He's a big 'un. Born just under 10 lbs.
4. He looks kind of like me, kind of like Dave, but mostly like a brand a new person
5. It is very cute when he's angry or frustrated (he waves his arms in the air and shakes his head back and forth like a puppy playing tug with a rope toy)
6. The kid can suck like nobody's business
7. He's very good at eye contact and has a firm handshake
8. He's got the cutest toes in the history of toes
9. He is happiest when cuddling
10. He's got his mom and dad smitten beyond words


As for me, I've already broken all of the promises I made in my last blog post, but have since reigned myself back in. The first few weeks home with Caleb were perhaps the most vulnerable of my life, so it was easy to constantly feel guilty and to feel like my life as an independent person was over forever. I knew that's how it would be...certainly heard plenty about the "baby blues," knew my horomones would be readjusting and making me a little crazy, knew that it would be a hard transition, and realized that recovering from an unexpected C-section would only add to those complexities. But knowing something and actually going through something are different. Dave, for his part, was calm, capable, and very happy right from the beginning...making me feel even more like an out-of-control mess. But he also kept me sane until my horomones settled back into their assigned seats. And he continues to keep me sane. I never thought I could love Dave more than I did before. Shows what I know!

And for myself, I've given up mourning my "real" life. I've decided to exhale and appreciate this new pace of life, where there is no boundary between day and night, where my time is spent in zen-like repetition of feeding, cleaning, bathing, dressing, and holding this little person who I so love but hardly know. I've decided to treasure this time when Caleb belongs to me more than he ever will again...before I need to share him with the rest of the world, before daycare, before school, before friends, before dates, before he has a whole life of his own in which I just play a part. This time is short, where he and I are our own world. And this time is going far too fast. So I hold him now without glancing at the clock. Just hold him. This warm little bundle is mine, and I think that's where my "real" life is really beginning.

Dear Future Self...

Being on the eve of parenthood is an odd feeling. There's Current Me...very pregnant, yes, but childless in the sense that for now my world pretty much revolves around me. When I want to do something or go somewhere, I do it. When I'm tired I sleep. When I'm hungry I eat. When I want a bubble bath, I take one. For as long as I want! My world also circles around the needs of my husband and my much-adored cat, but their worlds mesh with mine and we exist in harmony.

Then there's Future Me. Future Me's world, I believe, will be ruled by a sweet-cheeked newborn who cannot harmonize his world with ours. He's little and helpless! When he needs to eat, that needs to happen. When he needs to sleep, that needs to happen. He can't really do anything on his own, and to extend the metaphor of worlds...he will be like a meteor hitting our solar system, throwing everything off balance. We welcome the meteor, we love the meteor, we are delighted to accomodate the meteor into our solar system...but it will be a big bang.

Current Me can only imagine the needs and frustrations of Future Me, but I feel like reaching out to my future self with comfort and a few promises based on what I think Future Me will most need.

Promise One: I will never burden you with guilt. I may feel bad about choices that need to be made, knowing that those choices are not easy, clear-cut, or even the right choices. But I give you leave to be human, to not be right all the time, and to sometimes just plain f-up. I will allow you to move on and do better, rather than mentally punish you for what you do wrong.

Promise Two: I will not make you feel bad about going back to work. You cannot be with your child all day. That is sad for you, but sadder is not being able to feed or shelter your child. I will not allow you to spend time questioning a decision that, really, isn't a decision at all but a bland necessity. I will allow you to feel sad and anxious, but I will also help you move on and do what you need to do.

Promise Three: You can put yourself first. You can put your marriage first. Sometimes you can put your job first (see Promise Two). I will remind you that in your philosophy to be a good parent you need to be a happy, healthy person with a happy, healthy marriage. Everyone...not just baby...needs to be cared for. I will help you do this without feeling guilty (see Promise One).

Promise Four: I will trust you. You know what you're doing, usually. You know how to keep balance, to call something BS when it's BS, you know who you are and what you need, and you know what's important to you in raising a child. I won't second guess you, but understand that you will do what's best for your family in all circumstances.

Promise Five: You can still be yourself. You will be a mother...a new role. That role will change you in ways Current Me can't predict. But you also still remain you. The things you loved before children are things you will continue to love, and things that I will ensure are still a part of your life in some way. You can still write (in fact, Future Me, motherhood may compell you to write more!), you can still create art, you can still see your friends and have deep and compelling conversations, you can still read for pleasure, and yes you can still travel. I promise you motherhood will not make you someone you are not. Rather, I promise to ensure motherhood enhances who you already are.

There. Now I can go forward and leave the time in my life that will forever be known as "before." I'm ready for the big bang...and the beautiful new world it will create.

I'm Still Here

Poor blog. Sacrificed in the name of "all other things that are going on." I shall attempt to revive you, however. Now seems like a good time to slap you across each cheek, check your pulse, and offer some food and water.

So, what's new? People who ask me that question are faced with a litany of things that -- to one not living it -- sounds if not like fiction at least like a vast exaggeration. And it's kind of sad when one's life starts sounding unbelievable to others. Most of "what's new" is good, at least. Some is stressful beyond words. And some are just regular issues, but heightened by their unfortunate proximity to "all other things that are going on."

The big news is that we've got a baby coming. Which isn't something either of us thought would happen, but did anyway. After Dave's mother died I think we both -- privately and instinctually -- realized the brevity of life and felt open to having a child in ways we didn't before. We never discussed this, but we became purposefully lax about preventing pregnancy. Still...we're in our 40s. "Leaving it in God's hands" to me really kind of meant "I probably won't get pregnant anyway." But I did. And really quickly. It's taken some time, but now we're both very excited albeit feeling overwhelmed like any first-time parents.

At about the same time we found we'd be parents (actually, only the day after!) we also found that Dave's estranged brother decided to contest their mother's will (which leaves everything to Dave). Evil brother has an opening because her will, unfortunately, is not signed. I can't go into this too much...it's a very painful betrayal coming right on the heels of Dave's grieving for his mother. It's also caused more chaos and expense in our lives than I can detail...it's cost us a great deal to maintain his mother's house in winter, there was a burst pipe that created an emergency situation, as well as endless frustration and time spent trying to maintain and insure property one doesn't technically own and for which nobody is yet named executor (due to conflicts around the will). So far estate issues have taken at least as much out of our lives as a part-time job and cost us about half of our savings, at a time when we're trying to emotionally and financially prepare to raise a child.

At about the same time Dave had surgery on his nose. In fact, right after his surgery -- despite doctor's orders that he rest -- he had to be at his mom's house moving boxes from the basement because of the frozen pipe incident.

At about the same time I was also working full-time, taking two graduate courses, and working part-time on my internship. As well as dealing with morning sickness and potential genetic problems in our unborn child (those tests and procedures turned out ok, by the way!).

At about the same time, Dave found out his school would be closing at the end of the year and he'd be out of a job in a matter of months.

And at about the same time, I found out my office was being reorganized and that we'd have additional job responsibilities and a new supervisor.

And yet...like Weebles of yore...after each push we've managed to right ourselves again.

Thankfully, baby is doing well. He'll be here in less than 2 months. His nursery is cute and we're very excited to meet him (yes...it's a boy). Moxie, for her part, is finding pacifiers the perfect kitty toy. And after a miserable and frightening first trimester, the rest of my pregnancy has been happy and healthy. I graduated with my second MA this May, which (finally) freed up some time for me to focus on preparing for parenthood. Dave's school closed but he found another (even better) job right away. And the upheaval at my job has turned out to be a positive change for me. So really...I need to be done with the complaining.

With the end of winter things have settled down a bit with estate issues, but a big court date is still on its way in October and the result of that could impact our financial future and make things even more difficult if Dave's brother wins his case. Either way, we'll be faced with an estate to manage and a house to sell or rent. The end to that ordeal is not in sight, but hopefully after a long fight even that will eventually right itself.

So, poor blog, that's why you've been left to languish. But I'm back, and ready to hopefully fill you with happy tales of parenthood and far fewer tales of woe.

1/1/11

It's not really 1/1/11 anymore, but this is the post I would have written on 1/1/11 had I been able to muster enough energy to hop onto the computer rather than laying around in bed with Mr. Charles Dickens (I'm just about done with Great Expectations, just to clarify).

Speaking of great expectations, what up 2010? What did I ever do to you? I did have some expectations of you...in fact early in the year I dared you to avoid sucking. I recall suggesting that a 2010 lottery win might be a welcome reward for enduring the nonsense of 2009. And I suppose that jinxed things because I'm pretty glad to see the back of you, 2010. I'm putting my money on 2011.

On the other hand, 2010 did bring some blessings...mainly in the form of keeping our foundation fairly stable. Dave and I are healthy (mostly), both managed to keep our jobs (this was, in fact, the first summer since we married that did not involve a job search), we made many improvements to our home, and endeavored to have fun together no matter what we were doing. I struggled quite a bit but did in the end manage to pull off the "full-time work, full-time grad school, part-time teaching" insanity, and admit I impressed myself by doing so. It's not a small blessing to realize you can do more than you think. And Dave received accolades on his committment to his school, and that, too, is no small thing. Furthermore this was a great year for books! I can't think of anything I read this year that I didn't love. And I got a cute haircut. And Moxie contributed cuddles and kept our home free from the destructive evil of her nemesis "laser bug." But probably the best thing to happen in 2010 was the show of love and support Dave received after his mother's death. Nothing makes me quite as happy as seeing those I love being treated with love. In fact, I think that was our lottery win this year...just realizing how blessed we are in our friends and family.

So perhaps you did come through after all, 2010. And I can bid you a fonder farewell.

But the pressures not off you, 2011...let's make this a good one.

Gosh...

It has has been awhile, hasn't it? I won't even bother with excuses, since it's my blog and I can come and go as I please, and I hardly have thousands of readers awaiting my every posting (although I do think of you, Cory, my most loyal reader!).

I'm starting to understand that drama may never leave our lives. At least I've reached a place where drama no longer undoes me as it used to. Especially after the last couple years, I'm kinda like "yawn....oh, ho hum, here are more unexpected hurdles to leap...yawn...well, le's do this thing and get it over with." Old hat, man. For instance, I remember when I first started graduate school and every class was chock-full of presentations and it REALLY freaked me out (as public speaking does for many). I recall once driving to class and wishing my car would careen off a bridge so I wouldn't have to give a 30-minute presentation on Russian Formalism. But by the time I was finishing my program you simply could NOT shut me up. Presentations? I'm all over that! Speaking at conferences? Let's go! And, of course, teaching. No problem. Sure, I still get anxious but after so much exposure I'm no longer afraid of public speaking. And I'm sure it's the same for everything in life. The more you do, the more you can handle. And that's where I'm at with the latest life drama.

Dave's mom died unexpectedly in early September. Her health had been suffering for a long time (she was in and out of the hospital and nursing homes since early January), but nothing that seemed life-threatening. We thought that she may need to move out of her house and into a senior citizen apartment complex, but that alone was the big "worst case scenario". I won't go into details, except to say that her death was the result of a number of freak occurances and was entirely preventable had she been taking better care of herself, following her doctor's instructions, and had any number of things not happened in exactly the manner they did. Dave was his mother's only close family, so the burden has largely fallen on him to deal with this. He's been doing well, but as anyone whose lost someone knows it's only after the immediate numbness goes away that the real pain begins. I know it will be hard. And after dealing with her death and funeral, we're now working with our lawyer to sort out her estate, which seems like it should be easy but is not because the person named as executor has died and for a number of reasons that's causing complications. And eventually there will be another trauma once we have to deal with the house; it's the house in which Dave grew up and selling or renting it will signal another big loss for him.

My advice to the world? Make sure you have a signed living will and you make sure everyone who may need it has a copy or knows where it's kept. If you have any kind of surgery, make sure that your loved ones know where all your important records are, and if possible have your closest loved one listed as a joint account holder so they can take care of your business if you cannot. If you have an old will, update it so your executor is a living person. Don't neglect your health. And end each conversation with the words "I love you," because you never know when you'll be speaking to someone for the very last time.

Aside from all that, we have had some fun. We were able to host a couple Halloween Parties at our house. Dave started a book club at his school. My graduate classes have been going swell. We've been getting together with friends and continuing with all our house-related projects. I hope it's been a lovely fall for you!

Staycation

Dave at MN Landscape Arboretum

Me at the Arboretum

Dave at Franconia Sculpture Park

along Gooseberry Falls hiking trail

Celebrating Independence Day

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So, it was a staycation this summer. Which at first sounded really fun, but turns out it's not quite as fun as going away for vacation. Nevertheless, since there are a few expensive things we needed to buy now and in the near future, we decided to lay low this year.

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The good:

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* Hosted a couple wonderful gatherings

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* Visited some fun places (Duluth/Gooseberry Falls, Franconia Sculpture Park, Walker Art Museum, Landscape Arboretum, Science Museum, Camp Ripley)

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* Tried some new restaurants (favorite was Burger Moe's on W. 7th)

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* Got halfway through the revisions on my novel

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* Created a paved off-street parking lot next to our garage, in an area previously occupied by an unsightly passage tomb (or, rather, a 5 foot tall dirt-mound of mysterious rotting items that certainly resembled a passage tomb)

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* Read Lud-in-the-Mist

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* Saw a couple good movies (Winter's Bone and I Am Love)

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* Did some painting (watercolor)

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* Watched the first season of Lost (yes, we're that behind the times...and are ok with that)

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* I had a lovely birthday

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The bad:

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* A staycation meant (at least for me) a constant internal war betweeen "I should be doing fun things" and "I should be getting something useful done," and no amount of compromise is going to make one feel good about however that precious vacation time is being spent.

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* The portmanteau "staycation" is irritating...and yet I continue to use it.

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* For the amount of money we spent on eating out and doing things, we probably could have just gone somewhere. Lesson Learned: even a staycation needs a budget.

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* Developed an even deeper hatred for those who reside in the duplex next to us. Why are they always home? Why are there so many children over there constantly? Why are children who don't even live there always hanging out there? Why is there never an adult to be seen?

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* It seemed to be 100 degrees and humid every freaking day.

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* Too much Menards.

Overall, the good outweighed the bad. And of course the best is yet to come....the State Fair! Oh, State Fair, you bittersweet seductress you! And I continue to plug away at the novel, inspired by the big chunk of work I did get done over vacation. And one of our staycation consolation prizes is a new computer, which will be delivered shortly and will make our lives so much more efficient! Yay!

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Hope your summer is going swimmingly!