Caleb Edward Topness Witkowski

There is not the leisurely time to blog I thought I'd have during my maternity leave, so I will make this one quick and shortish.

Things to know about Caleb:

1. He was born on September 23, the autumnal equinox
2. He's a Virgo/Libra cusp baby
3. He's a big 'un. Born just under 10 lbs.
4. He looks kind of like me, kind of like Dave, but mostly like a brand a new person
5. It is very cute when he's angry or frustrated (he waves his arms in the air and shakes his head back and forth like a puppy playing tug with a rope toy)
6. The kid can suck like nobody's business
7. He's very good at eye contact and has a firm handshake
8. He's got the cutest toes in the history of toes
9. He is happiest when cuddling
10. He's got his mom and dad smitten beyond words


As for me, I've already broken all of the promises I made in my last blog post, but have since reigned myself back in. The first few weeks home with Caleb were perhaps the most vulnerable of my life, so it was easy to constantly feel guilty and to feel like my life as an independent person was over forever. I knew that's how it would be...certainly heard plenty about the "baby blues," knew my horomones would be readjusting and making me a little crazy, knew that it would be a hard transition, and realized that recovering from an unexpected C-section would only add to those complexities. But knowing something and actually going through something are different. Dave, for his part, was calm, capable, and very happy right from the beginning...making me feel even more like an out-of-control mess. But he also kept me sane until my horomones settled back into their assigned seats. And he continues to keep me sane. I never thought I could love Dave more than I did before. Shows what I know!

And for myself, I've given up mourning my "real" life. I've decided to exhale and appreciate this new pace of life, where there is no boundary between day and night, where my time is spent in zen-like repetition of feeding, cleaning, bathing, dressing, and holding this little person who I so love but hardly know. I've decided to treasure this time when Caleb belongs to me more than he ever will again...before I need to share him with the rest of the world, before daycare, before school, before friends, before dates, before he has a whole life of his own in which I just play a part. This time is short, where he and I are our own world. And this time is going far too fast. So I hold him now without glancing at the clock. Just hold him. This warm little bundle is mine, and I think that's where my "real" life is really beginning.

Dear Future Self...

Being on the eve of parenthood is an odd feeling. There's Current Me...very pregnant, yes, but childless in the sense that for now my world pretty much revolves around me. When I want to do something or go somewhere, I do it. When I'm tired I sleep. When I'm hungry I eat. When I want a bubble bath, I take one. For as long as I want! My world also circles around the needs of my husband and my much-adored cat, but their worlds mesh with mine and we exist in harmony.

Then there's Future Me. Future Me's world, I believe, will be ruled by a sweet-cheeked newborn who cannot harmonize his world with ours. He's little and helpless! When he needs to eat, that needs to happen. When he needs to sleep, that needs to happen. He can't really do anything on his own, and to extend the metaphor of worlds...he will be like a meteor hitting our solar system, throwing everything off balance. We welcome the meteor, we love the meteor, we are delighted to accomodate the meteor into our solar system...but it will be a big bang.

Current Me can only imagine the needs and frustrations of Future Me, but I feel like reaching out to my future self with comfort and a few promises based on what I think Future Me will most need.

Promise One: I will never burden you with guilt. I may feel bad about choices that need to be made, knowing that those choices are not easy, clear-cut, or even the right choices. But I give you leave to be human, to not be right all the time, and to sometimes just plain f-up. I will allow you to move on and do better, rather than mentally punish you for what you do wrong.

Promise Two: I will not make you feel bad about going back to work. You cannot be with your child all day. That is sad for you, but sadder is not being able to feed or shelter your child. I will not allow you to spend time questioning a decision that, really, isn't a decision at all but a bland necessity. I will allow you to feel sad and anxious, but I will also help you move on and do what you need to do.

Promise Three: You can put yourself first. You can put your marriage first. Sometimes you can put your job first (see Promise Two). I will remind you that in your philosophy to be a good parent you need to be a happy, healthy person with a happy, healthy marriage. Everyone...not just baby...needs to be cared for. I will help you do this without feeling guilty (see Promise One).

Promise Four: I will trust you. You know what you're doing, usually. You know how to keep balance, to call something BS when it's BS, you know who you are and what you need, and you know what's important to you in raising a child. I won't second guess you, but understand that you will do what's best for your family in all circumstances.

Promise Five: You can still be yourself. You will be a mother...a new role. That role will change you in ways Current Me can't predict. But you also still remain you. The things you loved before children are things you will continue to love, and things that I will ensure are still a part of your life in some way. You can still write (in fact, Future Me, motherhood may compell you to write more!), you can still create art, you can still see your friends and have deep and compelling conversations, you can still read for pleasure, and yes you can still travel. I promise you motherhood will not make you someone you are not. Rather, I promise to ensure motherhood enhances who you already are.

There. Now I can go forward and leave the time in my life that will forever be known as "before." I'm ready for the big bang...and the beautiful new world it will create.

I'm Still Here

Poor blog. Sacrificed in the name of "all other things that are going on." I shall attempt to revive you, however. Now seems like a good time to slap you across each cheek, check your pulse, and offer some food and water.

So, what's new? People who ask me that question are faced with a litany of things that -- to one not living it -- sounds if not like fiction at least like a vast exaggeration. And it's kind of sad when one's life starts sounding unbelievable to others. Most of "what's new" is good, at least. Some is stressful beyond words. And some are just regular issues, but heightened by their unfortunate proximity to "all other things that are going on."

The big news is that we've got a baby coming. Which isn't something either of us thought would happen, but did anyway. After Dave's mother died I think we both -- privately and instinctually -- realized the brevity of life and felt open to having a child in ways we didn't before. We never discussed this, but we became purposefully lax about preventing pregnancy. Still...we're in our 40s. "Leaving it in God's hands" to me really kind of meant "I probably won't get pregnant anyway." But I did. And really quickly. It's taken some time, but now we're both very excited albeit feeling overwhelmed like any first-time parents.

At about the same time we found we'd be parents (actually, only the day after!) we also found that Dave's estranged brother decided to contest their mother's will (which leaves everything to Dave). Evil brother has an opening because her will, unfortunately, is not signed. I can't go into this too much...it's a very painful betrayal coming right on the heels of Dave's grieving for his mother. It's also caused more chaos and expense in our lives than I can detail...it's cost us a great deal to maintain his mother's house in winter, there was a burst pipe that created an emergency situation, as well as endless frustration and time spent trying to maintain and insure property one doesn't technically own and for which nobody is yet named executor (due to conflicts around the will). So far estate issues have taken at least as much out of our lives as a part-time job and cost us about half of our savings, at a time when we're trying to emotionally and financially prepare to raise a child.

At about the same time Dave had surgery on his nose. In fact, right after his surgery -- despite doctor's orders that he rest -- he had to be at his mom's house moving boxes from the basement because of the frozen pipe incident.

At about the same time I was also working full-time, taking two graduate courses, and working part-time on my internship. As well as dealing with morning sickness and potential genetic problems in our unborn child (those tests and procedures turned out ok, by the way!).

At about the same time, Dave found out his school would be closing at the end of the year and he'd be out of a job in a matter of months.

And at about the same time, I found out my office was being reorganized and that we'd have additional job responsibilities and a new supervisor.

And yet...like Weebles of yore...after each push we've managed to right ourselves again.

Thankfully, baby is doing well. He'll be here in less than 2 months. His nursery is cute and we're very excited to meet him (yes...it's a boy). Moxie, for her part, is finding pacifiers the perfect kitty toy. And after a miserable and frightening first trimester, the rest of my pregnancy has been happy and healthy. I graduated with my second MA this May, which (finally) freed up some time for me to focus on preparing for parenthood. Dave's school closed but he found another (even better) job right away. And the upheaval at my job has turned out to be a positive change for me. So really...I need to be done with the complaining.

With the end of winter things have settled down a bit with estate issues, but a big court date is still on its way in October and the result of that could impact our financial future and make things even more difficult if Dave's brother wins his case. Either way, we'll be faced with an estate to manage and a house to sell or rent. The end to that ordeal is not in sight, but hopefully after a long fight even that will eventually right itself.

So, poor blog, that's why you've been left to languish. But I'm back, and ready to hopefully fill you with happy tales of parenthood and far fewer tales of woe.

1/1/11

It's not really 1/1/11 anymore, but this is the post I would have written on 1/1/11 had I been able to muster enough energy to hop onto the computer rather than laying around in bed with Mr. Charles Dickens (I'm just about done with Great Expectations, just to clarify).

Speaking of great expectations, what up 2010? What did I ever do to you? I did have some expectations of you...in fact early in the year I dared you to avoid sucking. I recall suggesting that a 2010 lottery win might be a welcome reward for enduring the nonsense of 2009. And I suppose that jinxed things because I'm pretty glad to see the back of you, 2010. I'm putting my money on 2011.

On the other hand, 2010 did bring some blessings...mainly in the form of keeping our foundation fairly stable. Dave and I are healthy (mostly), both managed to keep our jobs (this was, in fact, the first summer since we married that did not involve a job search), we made many improvements to our home, and endeavored to have fun together no matter what we were doing. I struggled quite a bit but did in the end manage to pull off the "full-time work, full-time grad school, part-time teaching" insanity, and admit I impressed myself by doing so. It's not a small blessing to realize you can do more than you think. And Dave received accolades on his committment to his school, and that, too, is no small thing. Furthermore this was a great year for books! I can't think of anything I read this year that I didn't love. And I got a cute haircut. And Moxie contributed cuddles and kept our home free from the destructive evil of her nemesis "laser bug." But probably the best thing to happen in 2010 was the show of love and support Dave received after his mother's death. Nothing makes me quite as happy as seeing those I love being treated with love. In fact, I think that was our lottery win this year...just realizing how blessed we are in our friends and family.

So perhaps you did come through after all, 2010. And I can bid you a fonder farewell.

But the pressures not off you, 2011...let's make this a good one.