Dear Future Self...

Being on the eve of parenthood is an odd feeling. There's Current Me...very pregnant, yes, but childless in the sense that for now my world pretty much revolves around me. When I want to do something or go somewhere, I do it. When I'm tired I sleep. When I'm hungry I eat. When I want a bubble bath, I take one. For as long as I want! My world also circles around the needs of my husband and my much-adored cat, but their worlds mesh with mine and we exist in harmony.

Then there's Future Me. Future Me's world, I believe, will be ruled by a sweet-cheeked newborn who cannot harmonize his world with ours. He's little and helpless! When he needs to eat, that needs to happen. When he needs to sleep, that needs to happen. He can't really do anything on his own, and to extend the metaphor of worlds...he will be like a meteor hitting our solar system, throwing everything off balance. We welcome the meteor, we love the meteor, we are delighted to accomodate the meteor into our solar system...but it will be a big bang.

Current Me can only imagine the needs and frustrations of Future Me, but I feel like reaching out to my future self with comfort and a few promises based on what I think Future Me will most need.

Promise One: I will never burden you with guilt. I may feel bad about choices that need to be made, knowing that those choices are not easy, clear-cut, or even the right choices. But I give you leave to be human, to not be right all the time, and to sometimes just plain f-up. I will allow you to move on and do better, rather than mentally punish you for what you do wrong.

Promise Two: I will not make you feel bad about going back to work. You cannot be with your child all day. That is sad for you, but sadder is not being able to feed or shelter your child. I will not allow you to spend time questioning a decision that, really, isn't a decision at all but a bland necessity. I will allow you to feel sad and anxious, but I will also help you move on and do what you need to do.

Promise Three: You can put yourself first. You can put your marriage first. Sometimes you can put your job first (see Promise Two). I will remind you that in your philosophy to be a good parent you need to be a happy, healthy person with a happy, healthy marriage. Everyone...not just baby...needs to be cared for. I will help you do this without feeling guilty (see Promise One).

Promise Four: I will trust you. You know what you're doing, usually. You know how to keep balance, to call something BS when it's BS, you know who you are and what you need, and you know what's important to you in raising a child. I won't second guess you, but understand that you will do what's best for your family in all circumstances.

Promise Five: You can still be yourself. You will be a mother...a new role. That role will change you in ways Current Me can't predict. But you also still remain you. The things you loved before children are things you will continue to love, and things that I will ensure are still a part of your life in some way. You can still write (in fact, Future Me, motherhood may compell you to write more!), you can still create art, you can still see your friends and have deep and compelling conversations, you can still read for pleasure, and yes you can still travel. I promise you motherhood will not make you someone you are not. Rather, I promise to ensure motherhood enhances who you already are.

There. Now I can go forward and leave the time in my life that will forever be known as "before." I'm ready for the big bang...and the beautiful new world it will create.