Holy Shit

2011, you certainly left us wiser.

It's funny looking back at my new year's post from 2010, wishing that 2011 would be a good year. I was thinking "good" merely in terms of fewer hassles. But here I am posting a year later with a photo of my baby. How can that be? How can I have a baby? And yet...here he is, growing more adorable with each passing day and making us wonder how there could ever be a time when he wasn't here. "Good" indeed! My favorite memories of 2011 were the surprise of discovering we were having a baby, my mostly-wonderful pregnancy, and meeting Caleb and discovering what it's like to be parents. I'd love to be eloquent and poignant here, but what really sums this up for me is "holy shit!"

That's actually a good summing up of this whole year. Aside from having a baby, which is quite enough to rock our worlds, we both had surgery (Dave on his nose, me a c-section), we both have new jobs and not by choice (Dave's school closed and my department restructured), and we found ourselves enmeshed in a lengthy and very costly court case about Dave's mother's estate that is still unresolved. Related to that, we had multiple estate emergencies to deal with (burst pipe, dropped home insurance, finding new insurance, threatened foreclosure). We got a new fence put up in our yard. The summer government shut down almost cost Dave his new job. I went to New Orleans. We both went to Boston. Dave had to move to our house everything of his from his mother's house (a considerable amount of stuff), and do so right in the middle of our reconfiguring our own house to accomodate a nursery. Oh, yeah, and I got another Master's Degree. I can't stop looking back on all this like one might stare at a multi-car pile up. 2011, you were ridiculous! Seriously, what the hell?

And the craziness of our lives is nothing compared to what others' are going through right now. So many people had life-changing developments in 2011. And even looking at the Year-End magainzes, the level of change in the world is absurd.

But while 2011 really did beat us senseless, it's hard to rail against the injustices of the world when simultaneously creating and caring for a beautiful new life. 2011 is the marking point for us of "before" and "after." And for that, 2011, you will always be the most beautiful of years even though on the outside you appeared quite ugly.

You left us wiser. You left us stronger. You blew our minds. I salute you one final time. Now I'm off to hold my baby boy and feel some peace amid the chaos.

Caleb Edward Topness Witkowski

There is not the leisurely time to blog I thought I'd have during my maternity leave, so I will make this one quick and shortish.

Things to know about Caleb:

1. He was born on September 23, the autumnal equinox
2. He's a Virgo/Libra cusp baby
3. He's a big 'un. Born just under 10 lbs.
4. He looks kind of like me, kind of like Dave, but mostly like a brand a new person
5. It is very cute when he's angry or frustrated (he waves his arms in the air and shakes his head back and forth like a puppy playing tug with a rope toy)
6. The kid can suck like nobody's business
7. He's very good at eye contact and has a firm handshake
8. He's got the cutest toes in the history of toes
9. He is happiest when cuddling
10. He's got his mom and dad smitten beyond words


As for me, I've already broken all of the promises I made in my last blog post, but have since reigned myself back in. The first few weeks home with Caleb were perhaps the most vulnerable of my life, so it was easy to constantly feel guilty and to feel like my life as an independent person was over forever. I knew that's how it would be...certainly heard plenty about the "baby blues," knew my horomones would be readjusting and making me a little crazy, knew that it would be a hard transition, and realized that recovering from an unexpected C-section would only add to those complexities. But knowing something and actually going through something are different. Dave, for his part, was calm, capable, and very happy right from the beginning...making me feel even more like an out-of-control mess. But he also kept me sane until my horomones settled back into their assigned seats. And he continues to keep me sane. I never thought I could love Dave more than I did before. Shows what I know!

And for myself, I've given up mourning my "real" life. I've decided to exhale and appreciate this new pace of life, where there is no boundary between day and night, where my time is spent in zen-like repetition of feeding, cleaning, bathing, dressing, and holding this little person who I so love but hardly know. I've decided to treasure this time when Caleb belongs to me more than he ever will again...before I need to share him with the rest of the world, before daycare, before school, before friends, before dates, before he has a whole life of his own in which I just play a part. This time is short, where he and I are our own world. And this time is going far too fast. So I hold him now without glancing at the clock. Just hold him. This warm little bundle is mine, and I think that's where my "real" life is really beginning.

Dear Future Self...

Being on the eve of parenthood is an odd feeling. There's Current Me...very pregnant, yes, but childless in the sense that for now my world pretty much revolves around me. When I want to do something or go somewhere, I do it. When I'm tired I sleep. When I'm hungry I eat. When I want a bubble bath, I take one. For as long as I want! My world also circles around the needs of my husband and my much-adored cat, but their worlds mesh with mine and we exist in harmony.

Then there's Future Me. Future Me's world, I believe, will be ruled by a sweet-cheeked newborn who cannot harmonize his world with ours. He's little and helpless! When he needs to eat, that needs to happen. When he needs to sleep, that needs to happen. He can't really do anything on his own, and to extend the metaphor of worlds...he will be like a meteor hitting our solar system, throwing everything off balance. We welcome the meteor, we love the meteor, we are delighted to accomodate the meteor into our solar system...but it will be a big bang.

Current Me can only imagine the needs and frustrations of Future Me, but I feel like reaching out to my future self with comfort and a few promises based on what I think Future Me will most need.

Promise One: I will never burden you with guilt. I may feel bad about choices that need to be made, knowing that those choices are not easy, clear-cut, or even the right choices. But I give you leave to be human, to not be right all the time, and to sometimes just plain f-up. I will allow you to move on and do better, rather than mentally punish you for what you do wrong.

Promise Two: I will not make you feel bad about going back to work. You cannot be with your child all day. That is sad for you, but sadder is not being able to feed or shelter your child. I will not allow you to spend time questioning a decision that, really, isn't a decision at all but a bland necessity. I will allow you to feel sad and anxious, but I will also help you move on and do what you need to do.

Promise Three: You can put yourself first. You can put your marriage first. Sometimes you can put your job first (see Promise Two). I will remind you that in your philosophy to be a good parent you need to be a happy, healthy person with a happy, healthy marriage. Everyone...not just baby...needs to be cared for. I will help you do this without feeling guilty (see Promise One).

Promise Four: I will trust you. You know what you're doing, usually. You know how to keep balance, to call something BS when it's BS, you know who you are and what you need, and you know what's important to you in raising a child. I won't second guess you, but understand that you will do what's best for your family in all circumstances.

Promise Five: You can still be yourself. You will be a mother...a new role. That role will change you in ways Current Me can't predict. But you also still remain you. The things you loved before children are things you will continue to love, and things that I will ensure are still a part of your life in some way. You can still write (in fact, Future Me, motherhood may compell you to write more!), you can still create art, you can still see your friends and have deep and compelling conversations, you can still read for pleasure, and yes you can still travel. I promise you motherhood will not make you someone you are not. Rather, I promise to ensure motherhood enhances who you already are.

There. Now I can go forward and leave the time in my life that will forever be known as "before." I'm ready for the big bang...and the beautiful new world it will create.

I'm Still Here

Poor blog. Sacrificed in the name of "all other things that are going on." I shall attempt to revive you, however. Now seems like a good time to slap you across each cheek, check your pulse, and offer some food and water.

So, what's new? People who ask me that question are faced with a litany of things that -- to one not living it -- sounds if not like fiction at least like a vast exaggeration. And it's kind of sad when one's life starts sounding unbelievable to others. Most of "what's new" is good, at least. Some is stressful beyond words. And some are just regular issues, but heightened by their unfortunate proximity to "all other things that are going on."

The big news is that we've got a baby coming. Which isn't something either of us thought would happen, but did anyway. After Dave's mother died I think we both -- privately and instinctually -- realized the brevity of life and felt open to having a child in ways we didn't before. We never discussed this, but we became purposefully lax about preventing pregnancy. Still...we're in our 40s. "Leaving it in God's hands" to me really kind of meant "I probably won't get pregnant anyway." But I did. And really quickly. It's taken some time, but now we're both very excited albeit feeling overwhelmed like any first-time parents.

At about the same time we found we'd be parents (actually, only the day after!) we also found that Dave's estranged brother decided to contest their mother's will (which leaves everything to Dave). Evil brother has an opening because her will, unfortunately, is not signed. I can't go into this too much...it's a very painful betrayal coming right on the heels of Dave's grieving for his mother. It's also caused more chaos and expense in our lives than I can detail...it's cost us a great deal to maintain his mother's house in winter, there was a burst pipe that created an emergency situation, as well as endless frustration and time spent trying to maintain and insure property one doesn't technically own and for which nobody is yet named executor (due to conflicts around the will). So far estate issues have taken at least as much out of our lives as a part-time job and cost us about half of our savings, at a time when we're trying to emotionally and financially prepare to raise a child.

At about the same time Dave had surgery on his nose. In fact, right after his surgery -- despite doctor's orders that he rest -- he had to be at his mom's house moving boxes from the basement because of the frozen pipe incident.

At about the same time I was also working full-time, taking two graduate courses, and working part-time on my internship. As well as dealing with morning sickness and potential genetic problems in our unborn child (those tests and procedures turned out ok, by the way!).

At about the same time, Dave found out his school would be closing at the end of the year and he'd be out of a job in a matter of months.

And at about the same time, I found out my office was being reorganized and that we'd have additional job responsibilities and a new supervisor.

And yet...like Weebles of yore...after each push we've managed to right ourselves again.

Thankfully, baby is doing well. He'll be here in less than 2 months. His nursery is cute and we're very excited to meet him (yes...it's a boy). Moxie, for her part, is finding pacifiers the perfect kitty toy. And after a miserable and frightening first trimester, the rest of my pregnancy has been happy and healthy. I graduated with my second MA this May, which (finally) freed up some time for me to focus on preparing for parenthood. Dave's school closed but he found another (even better) job right away. And the upheaval at my job has turned out to be a positive change for me. So really...I need to be done with the complaining.

With the end of winter things have settled down a bit with estate issues, but a big court date is still on its way in October and the result of that could impact our financial future and make things even more difficult if Dave's brother wins his case. Either way, we'll be faced with an estate to manage and a house to sell or rent. The end to that ordeal is not in sight, but hopefully after a long fight even that will eventually right itself.

So, poor blog, that's why you've been left to languish. But I'm back, and ready to hopefully fill you with happy tales of parenthood and far fewer tales of woe.

1/1/11

It's not really 1/1/11 anymore, but this is the post I would have written on 1/1/11 had I been able to muster enough energy to hop onto the computer rather than laying around in bed with Mr. Charles Dickens (I'm just about done with Great Expectations, just to clarify).

Speaking of great expectations, what up 2010? What did I ever do to you? I did have some expectations of you...in fact early in the year I dared you to avoid sucking. I recall suggesting that a 2010 lottery win might be a welcome reward for enduring the nonsense of 2009. And I suppose that jinxed things because I'm pretty glad to see the back of you, 2010. I'm putting my money on 2011.

On the other hand, 2010 did bring some blessings...mainly in the form of keeping our foundation fairly stable. Dave and I are healthy (mostly), both managed to keep our jobs (this was, in fact, the first summer since we married that did not involve a job search), we made many improvements to our home, and endeavored to have fun together no matter what we were doing. I struggled quite a bit but did in the end manage to pull off the "full-time work, full-time grad school, part-time teaching" insanity, and admit I impressed myself by doing so. It's not a small blessing to realize you can do more than you think. And Dave received accolades on his committment to his school, and that, too, is no small thing. Furthermore this was a great year for books! I can't think of anything I read this year that I didn't love. And I got a cute haircut. And Moxie contributed cuddles and kept our home free from the destructive evil of her nemesis "laser bug." But probably the best thing to happen in 2010 was the show of love and support Dave received after his mother's death. Nothing makes me quite as happy as seeing those I love being treated with love. In fact, I think that was our lottery win this year...just realizing how blessed we are in our friends and family.

So perhaps you did come through after all, 2010. And I can bid you a fonder farewell.

But the pressures not off you, 2011...let's make this a good one.

Gosh...

It has has been awhile, hasn't it? I won't even bother with excuses, since it's my blog and I can come and go as I please, and I hardly have thousands of readers awaiting my every posting (although I do think of you, Cory, my most loyal reader!).

I'm starting to understand that drama may never leave our lives. At least I've reached a place where drama no longer undoes me as it used to. Especially after the last couple years, I'm kinda like "yawn....oh, ho hum, here are more unexpected hurdles to leap...yawn...well, le's do this thing and get it over with." Old hat, man. For instance, I remember when I first started graduate school and every class was chock-full of presentations and it REALLY freaked me out (as public speaking does for many). I recall once driving to class and wishing my car would careen off a bridge so I wouldn't have to give a 30-minute presentation on Russian Formalism. But by the time I was finishing my program you simply could NOT shut me up. Presentations? I'm all over that! Speaking at conferences? Let's go! And, of course, teaching. No problem. Sure, I still get anxious but after so much exposure I'm no longer afraid of public speaking. And I'm sure it's the same for everything in life. The more you do, the more you can handle. And that's where I'm at with the latest life drama.

Dave's mom died unexpectedly in early September. Her health had been suffering for a long time (she was in and out of the hospital and nursing homes since early January), but nothing that seemed life-threatening. We thought that she may need to move out of her house and into a senior citizen apartment complex, but that alone was the big "worst case scenario". I won't go into details, except to say that her death was the result of a number of freak occurances and was entirely preventable had she been taking better care of herself, following her doctor's instructions, and had any number of things not happened in exactly the manner they did. Dave was his mother's only close family, so the burden has largely fallen on him to deal with this. He's been doing well, but as anyone whose lost someone knows it's only after the immediate numbness goes away that the real pain begins. I know it will be hard. And after dealing with her death and funeral, we're now working with our lawyer to sort out her estate, which seems like it should be easy but is not because the person named as executor has died and for a number of reasons that's causing complications. And eventually there will be another trauma once we have to deal with the house; it's the house in which Dave grew up and selling or renting it will signal another big loss for him.

My advice to the world? Make sure you have a signed living will and you make sure everyone who may need it has a copy or knows where it's kept. If you have any kind of surgery, make sure that your loved ones know where all your important records are, and if possible have your closest loved one listed as a joint account holder so they can take care of your business if you cannot. If you have an old will, update it so your executor is a living person. Don't neglect your health. And end each conversation with the words "I love you," because you never know when you'll be speaking to someone for the very last time.

Aside from all that, we have had some fun. We were able to host a couple Halloween Parties at our house. Dave started a book club at his school. My graduate classes have been going swell. We've been getting together with friends and continuing with all our house-related projects. I hope it's been a lovely fall for you!

Staycation

Dave at MN Landscape Arboretum

Me at the Arboretum

Dave at Franconia Sculpture Park

along Gooseberry Falls hiking trail

Celebrating Independence Day

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So, it was a staycation this summer. Which at first sounded really fun, but turns out it's not quite as fun as going away for vacation. Nevertheless, since there are a few expensive things we needed to buy now and in the near future, we decided to lay low this year.

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The good:

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* Hosted a couple wonderful gatherings

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* Visited some fun places (Duluth/Gooseberry Falls, Franconia Sculpture Park, Walker Art Museum, Landscape Arboretum, Science Museum, Camp Ripley)

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* Tried some new restaurants (favorite was Burger Moe's on W. 7th)

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* Got halfway through the revisions on my novel

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* Created a paved off-street parking lot next to our garage, in an area previously occupied by an unsightly passage tomb (or, rather, a 5 foot tall dirt-mound of mysterious rotting items that certainly resembled a passage tomb)

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* Read Lud-in-the-Mist

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* Saw a couple good movies (Winter's Bone and I Am Love)

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* Did some painting (watercolor)

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* Watched the first season of Lost (yes, we're that behind the times...and are ok with that)

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* I had a lovely birthday

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The bad:

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* A staycation meant (at least for me) a constant internal war betweeen "I should be doing fun things" and "I should be getting something useful done," and no amount of compromise is going to make one feel good about however that precious vacation time is being spent.

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* The portmanteau "staycation" is irritating...and yet I continue to use it.

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* For the amount of money we spent on eating out and doing things, we probably could have just gone somewhere. Lesson Learned: even a staycation needs a budget.

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* Developed an even deeper hatred for those who reside in the duplex next to us. Why are they always home? Why are there so many children over there constantly? Why are children who don't even live there always hanging out there? Why is there never an adult to be seen?

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* It seemed to be 100 degrees and humid every freaking day.

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* Too much Menards.

Overall, the good outweighed the bad. And of course the best is yet to come....the State Fair! Oh, State Fair, you bittersweet seductress you! And I continue to plug away at the novel, inspired by the big chunk of work I did get done over vacation. And one of our staycation consolation prizes is a new computer, which will be delivered shortly and will make our lives so much more efficient! Yay!

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Hope your summer is going swimmingly!

80% Fun

Awhile back, I kvetched that I was only having 1% fun, due to a punishing schedule of full-time job, full-time grad school, and teaching college two afternoons a week. Now 2/3rds of that is over. So now what?

If I feel like watching TV or a movie, or reading a book, I can! Just because I want to! I don't need to plan book reading or movie watching around the Byzantine complications of my weekly schedule!

Speaking of which, I can read for pleasure! I've whipped through 5 books already since the end of May, and am reading Lud-in-the Mist right now.

If friends want to meet for drinks or dinner, well....I'm free! We don't need to schedule it two months in advance.

I'm reaching 80% fun right now. I'm worried that I may engorge myself with so much fun that it will make me sick, like a dehydrated person who needs to be fed water very slowly so as not to overwhelm the system.

But I'm not quite done with my adamant "let's do this" productivity, either. We have a house that's been patiently waiting since Thanksgiving to be fully unpacked and organized. There's a yard we're still scratching our heads over. Plumbing issues that can't be ignored (despite our best attempts). Piles of unwanted stuff that must be sorted and distributed to appropriate recycling/refuse facilities. Piles of wanted stuff that must be organized and tucked away. At least a half dozen technical/electronic items are knock-knock-knocking on heaven's door, so replacements must be found. And, frankly, there is a novel that must be completed. Remember my poor novel sitting there in the corner, barely surviving on a few crusts of attention? Yeah. I'm finishing it. Starting in July.

So while the fun is ballooning, I'm not quite at a place where I just wake up in the morning, stretch my arms to the sky, sigh with warm content and think "now, whatever should I do today?" There are lists. Kind of elaborate multi-functional to-do lists. But the difference is that this summer the deadlines are our own and not dictated by class schedules. And that's a sweet difference indeed.

Back to fun things. This past weekend was David Day! Nothing pleases Dave more than tank-viewing, so we went to the military museum at Fort Ripley where they have a supposedly rare Jumbo Sherman Tank. Now, to me a tank is a tank and I don't see much difference, much like to Dave one pair of black pumps is the same as any other pair of black pumps. But apparently this Jumbo Sherman is unlike other tanks in a variety of significant ways I can't remember, except that it's heavier. Whatever the case, he sure liked it...which is the goal of David Day.

After spending a couple hours at the museum, we came home and I made Welsh rarebit macaroni and cheese and a homemade banana cream pie for my man. I've never made a custard pie from scratch before (I'm used to making the kind that involves pre-made crust and jello pudding), and really...there's no going back now, even if it does take a couple hours and involves de-seeding vanilla pods. All banana cream pies must now meet this standard. I messed up the recipe in three different ways, and the thing still tasted so good that I couldn't even resist eating part of it before taking this photo. Didn't even need whipped cream. So yum.

Tomorrow is Terri Day, so I shall see what surprises await me.

Thanks, Former Owners!

When we closed on our house in late October, the former owners had a conversation that went like this:

"Should we tell them?"
"No, let it be a surprise!"
"Come on....tell them!"
"Do you think so?"
"They really should know"

I'm thinking....tell us what? About the poltergeist? The neighbor who practices their tuba at 5am Saturday mornings? The snake infestation? And yet...they seemed delighted by whatever this surprise was. Finally they revealed the secret: come spring, there would be a plethora of red tulips poking their fancy little heads out of the ground. And, in the photo above, you can see the result. They line the boarders of the garden, the sides of the house, and there are a few strongholds elsewhere as well, along with one non-conformist yellow tulip. Yay! Beautiful tulips our first spring there...and all we had to do to enjoy the bounty was a whole lotta nothin'. Well, except buy the house. But, anyway, thanks former owners! We'll forgive you for leaving piles of rotting wood in the garage and half-empty paint cans. We're even now.

Finally I have fresh flowers from my own garden to arrange in carefully-saved clotted cream containers:

And a perfect place to settle my Alice in Wonderland garden statuary:

Now we just have to figure out what else is in the garden. We've got a raspberry bush, and I discovered some mint. The rest of it...well, I guess more surprises to come.

I have a little speech prepared...

Thanks to my good friend and fellow blogger, Michelle (JoJo) at A Mid-Atlantic English (http://michelloui.blogspot.com/), for giving me a Happiness Award! Yay! An award! Her blog is subtitled "long term expat lifestyle" but it's a fabulous blog for anyone interested in travel, family dynamics, the ambiguities of our life choices, or basically anyone keen on beautiful, thought-provoking essays. I certainly enjoy it very much. Thanks, JoJo!

A responsibility that comes with this award is a list of 10 things that make me happy. I'm going to amend that, and rather list 10 things that made me (or will make me) happy TODAY.

1. The morning e-mail from my husband, checking in and telling me how he can't wait to see me later. It's so nice starting each day feeling like a newlywed.

2. Tide To-Go Stain Remover pens.

3. Someone brought in shamrock-shaped sugar cookies.

4. The alliteration of "shamrock-shaped sugar cookies" pleases me as well.

5. The anticipation of taking a quick walk by the Mississippi during my lunch break (for the first time after a long winter).

6. There are no meetings today!

7. This is a happy thing yet-to-come, but it will make me very happy when I get home from work and my new cat Moxie cuddles with such intensity that you'd think I just rescued her from a well.

8. I also like that when Moxie is done cuddling, she meows and taps me on the shoulder to get down so we can move onto the "treat" portion of our reunion.

9. Another yet-to-come, but it makes me happy that my heart still leaps with excitement when I hear my husband's key in the door when he's arrived home from work.

10. I am very happy that I ended up buying the Libery for Target comforter that I almost passed over.

1% Fun

My life right now is 95% work, 2% cleaning, 2% being sick, and 1% fun. The working full-time + going to graduate school full-time + teaching a college English course plan was STUPID. What was I thinking? I only have 1% fun now!! That's not right. I keep telling myself that once it's over I'll be glad I did it. And I only have about 11 weeks of this left...except now that I type it out, that still sounds like a really long time. Anyway, I don't like this at all.

But, that 1% fun is there at least. Thankfully I have a fun husband and a fun kitty and fun friends. I did manage to decorate and make an icebox cake for Dave's birthday, I watched some of the Olympics (see photo below of me and Moxie watching together), and Moxie's cuteness makes unfun things (like being sick) seem just a little more fun.

Et Tu, 2010?

So...2009. I can't kvetch too much, since it ended with a job for Dave and a house for us and even a darling little cat. Plus there were two "outside of Minnesota" vacations in there as well, and just the fact that we traveled regardless of our lives' chaos made me very happy indeed! But there was also more stress than I think I've ever had to deal with in my adult life so far. My hair was actually coming out. It was making Dave physically ill. Looking back I can see the positive. We learned that we can handle things, really bad stressful things, and rather than harming us they made us and our marriage stronger. I'm still amazed at how last year my marriage seemed a kind of difficult but graceful dance, me naturally taking a strong lead when Dave was spinning and Dave picking up the lead once my own legs gave out. I witnessed with pride how Dave handled with dignity a situation that would break most people, including myself. And I saw how after a week of tears and fist-raised-to-the-heavens I managed to spit polish my situation and smile again, back to planning a better future with a kind of optimisim I never realized I had. And yeah...things worked out "for the best" as they say. And yet I still feel the trauma, and figuratively continue to look behind me as if trouble is about it leap from the shadows once again lest I get too comfortable and happy.

So facing 2010 I feel kind of sick to my stomach. This is the first year I remember starting a year with negative expectations, a kind of "what fresh hell?" attitude. So far it hasn't disappointed. In the few weeks of 2010, Dave's mother has been hospitalized and is having a difficult time of it (creating a great deal of stress, worry and extra work for Dave), I've fallen and factured my tail bone (again, causing stress and worry for Dave), my mother's cat died quite unexpectedly and at a young age, and our car seems to be refusing to make it through the winter like it promised (or rather, like the mechanic promised this fall after its last repair). And there are ill omens of Dave's school possibly closing after this year and another difficult job search on the horizon...this time, with us having the additional responsibility of a mortgage to keep us awake at night. Additionally, I have saddled myself with perhaps the most insane schedule I've ever kept: full-time graduate classes, teaching an English course, and continuing my regular full-time job. Back when I made those decision I thought I could do it all. Now that the new semester is about to knock on my door, I'm so mad at myself I'd kick my own ass if it weren't for the sore tailbone. And the general state-of-the-world problems that weigh heavily even though they happen far away, like in Haiti.

So, 2010, let's hope that you're just getting all the really bad stuff out of the way early and will surprise me. Let's hope next year I'm looking back on you thinking, "that wasn't bad at all!" Or better yet, "thank god we won the lottery!" Surprise everyone with good things, 2010. I dare you.

A Very Moxie Christmas

I'll start right off with a picture of my little kitty-buddy and nap partner, Moxie! We adopted her over Christmas break, and now after only a week or so it's hard to imagine being without her. She makes little chirps and murmurs that sound (according to Dave) like R2D2. She's awfully pushy about the distribution of treats, but seems to have learned my treat-giving patterns and is adapting. She absolutely loses her MIND over her laser toy...frankly, I'm getting a little concerned about the intensity with which she pursues "laser bug." She likes to supervise whatever I'm doing, and much of what I do apparently causes her concern; I think I've received at least four scoldings from her in cat language. More and more she likes to be held and cuddled, as long as her hind feet are left alone. And perhaps cutest of all, she kneads her paws even when she's standing. How? She lifts one paw, then the other, and back and forth as if she were standing on hot coals. At first I thought there was something wrong with her paws, but no. She's just kneading in her own intense way. Love her!

Overall, Christmas break was sleepy and dreamy and sparkling and stuffed full of really-bad-for-you food. Hung out with great friends, finally finished War and Peace, watched numerous movies, bought kind of an absurd number of books, and finally finished unpacking and organizing my office! Did you know? I have my own office now. Not just a bed and a laptop, but a ROOM with a DESK and a CHAIR. There's even a nice RUG in there. And all my teaching and writing stuff in one place. Oh, and look! Moxie is in there as well, supervising as usual.

Some Houses Wear Christmas Well

Above are a few photos of Thomasina in festive mood. I like that our house is turning out to be particularly Christmas-suited. Perhaps because it's Victorian and angle-y and cozy in size, it's been happily fulfilling my ideal of cottage living, despite all the boxes and unpacked items that continue to clutter the floor.

Ummm....hi

So, what's going on? Just a little too much. There's the new house that needs a bottomless amount of attention. Still unpacking, still finding places for stuff, still fixing things, still needing to buy furniture and rugs and a 3-page list of other items. It seems like every little thing needs to be thought through, just like when one starts a new job and every task that in a year's time will be second nature is for the moment a frustrating process of looking up information, asking for help, sorting through documents, and making mistakes. What do we do about recycling? How do we change the filter on the furnace? Should we keep the mops here, or here, or here? What happens if I push this button on the oven? I know we have lightbulbs somewhere, where are they? How would it look if we moved the phone stand over there? What color rug should we get in here? Just, so many discussions and decisions and things to be "looked into" or "figured out". On top of that, there has been drama at Dave's workplace that's set askew our still-shaky sense of security. And I'm learning that BIG things are sometimes too big for blog topics. But here are some little things I can share!

We set up our first Christmas tree this weekend. And I had a sublime moment on Sunday night as I curled up in our recliner, cozy under a thick green fleece blanket, in full view of the lit tree, drinking a glass of egg nog and reading Nigella Lawson's new Christmas cookbook. Very nice indeed!

Over the weekend I seem to have forgotten ALL my various work and Internet passwords. In fact, I had to reset my password just to post to this blog.

I washed dishes in our dishwasher this weekend! And as a result felt somewhat left out. Cheated. There's something satisfying and zen-peaceful about washing dishes, and I think I'll probably continue washing dishes by hand except when there's quite a lot of them or they're particularly icky.

Shopping the sales of Black Friday was a terrifying experience, and I won't be making that mistake again. Except that I did get a number of things we needed for pretty decent prices. But still. Not again. $10 off a blender just isn't worth it.

I find it odd that I'm not afraid of my basement. It's a scary 116-year old basement, with dangerous and uneven stairs, low ceiling, multiple doors behind which anyone could be waiting to attack, and going down into it feels remarkably like walking into an open grave (seriously...it's exactly grave-shaped), and yet this is the only basement I've ever been in that hasn't made me want to finish my business and hurry upstairs with borderline panic. Curious. I just realized that this weekend when I was humming and puttering around the basement -- at night, no less!

Our house looks awfully cute with a wreath on the door!

Hope you had a great Thanksgiving and can enjoy pre-Christmas!

Nesting

Things are heating up, as we endeavor to make Thomasina (our new house) a home.

She got a fresh coat of paint, turning her (in just one sunny Saturday) from a frousy, fussy stripe-wearing matron into a witty attention-grabbing sophisticate. Or, at least I like to think so. Judge for yourself:

And now there's also furniture, finally purchased after a full-month of measuring and comparison shopping. The furniture is assembled and fits Thomasina's new look. We seem to be going for a slightly bohemian look but with the organic symmetry of Arts and Crafts style. A place where perhaps Christina Rossetti might have felt at home, except in this case with television and multiple bathrooms.

And now Saturday we usher in the remainder of our dusty and confused belongings. They're not exactly being as thoughtfully packed as I hoped, and are instead being dragged out unprotected by tissue paper or bubble wrap, heaped together in laundry bins and trash bags, a confusion of things we forgot we even owned. The impending move apparently freaked our DVD player so much it simply quit working, choosing death over the chaos of a new home. The TV is threatening to follow suit. However it happens, we're moving as much as we can on Saturday.

It has been nice living with less at the house. There are a few things I'm learning we can do without...quite easily. For instance, since we don't yet have a TV at the new house, we've now gone without it for about 2 weeks. Actually, I do miss that a little. Especially watching movies. But we don't really need it. Same with the Internet and our land-line phone. I only have maybe 1/4 of my clothes and shoes at the house, and turns out that's actually about all I need. It gets boring after a while, but that's it.

On the flip side, we already managed to bring all our books to the house...and while unpacking them yesterday I discovered that Thomasina hasn't really felt like a home until that moment. Could we do without our books? Of course. But what, really, is a home without them? I unpacked those books with a contented sigh, just as I would after a feast of comfort food.

And one of the strangest aspects of all this is the ambiguity with which I've been viewing the home we're leaving. For so long all I could focus on is getting out of that little apartment, away from the rude neigbors, the sound of other peoples' stereos and arguments, the smell of other peoples' dinners, the space that never could contain all we needed and wanted to do with our lives. But now that I'm packing it all up I feel a real sense of loss. I miss always being so close to Dave. In the apartment, physically we could never be further than a room away; now, an entire floor can separate us. I remember not just the bad times we've had while in the apartment, but the many, many good times...reading Rebecca on the couch, glancing out the window while the snow falls quietly over the trees and electrical wires of the alley. How our little space shone at Christmas because our decorations filled it to the brim. They won't make much of a dent at the new house. I even kind of miss the noises and smells and the buzzing of lives going on just outside our walls. I suppose it's because we were caretakers for the building. I knew the place like most tenants wouldn't, and feel a sense of responsibility connected to it. While it was a hard place in which to live, it also served as a cradle for our goals and dreams. I owe it my thanks, and it deserves the dignity of a proper good-bye. After removing the last of our belongings and cleaning it for the last time, I plan to spend a private moment there before turning over the keys. I hope it's refinished and polished to a gleam...and eventually filled with another newlywed couple excited about their future.

The Mysteries of October

This has been the weirdest month.

First, the snow. Not even sleet, but real tree-padding snow. I'm out there at 6am, trying to leave for work, still wearing my spring jacket, desperately searching for an ice scraper, but at the same time distracted from my swearing and car-scraping task by the breathtaking, sparkling, otherworldliness of the first snowfall. And this year it turned out to be even more otherworldy because of the leaves still on trees, making it appear as if we lived in a world of giant cauliflower. For awhile, I felt awfully happy to live in Minnesota.

Then, Dave and I close on our house this Thursday. Which is also weird, because just a little over 2 months ago Dave didn't even have a job and a little black cloud constantly hovered over our heads. So how WEIRD it is that all of a sudden now we're going to have a house? How did that happen? It has a "poof!" wish fulfillment quality to it, even though clearly we put in a lot of work to make this happen.

Also weird: being a student again. The reading, the group work, the awkward ice breakers and small talk during breaks, the research papers, the funny little cliques and battling egos. It's pulling me back to the late 90s-early 00s when I was last a graduate student, feeling those insecurities and ambitions once more. But this time it's more complicated because I'm used to being in charge of the classroom now, and it's hard for me to not jump in and take the lead. After the first day I thankfully realized that I needed to tone down the Hermione Granger stuff, and allowed myself to be appropriately passive...which in the end made things nicer for all, myself included. But it only adds to the mysteriousness of this October...me sitting there in class thinking "what am I doing sitting here in a class?" as if just waking up from a fitful dream.

Hope your October is full of happy and mysterious surprises as well!

Neglectful

As it's been pointed out to me, I've been rather neglecting the blog. Not so long ago I was thinking of doing two blogs...and yet now I can barely maintain the one. Shows what I know.

But here comes the excuses.

Since Dave is now once again employed. And while neither of us make great money (that's what you get for going into social services), together we do ok. So we decided to gather all our resources, time and energy together and make the Big Move. Turns out buying a house is kind of an involved thing.

On top of the Big Move, I started my graduate program. And Dave, of course, is getting used to his new job.

Anyway, we found our "dream" house! Thank goodness, because for awhile there I was thinking we'd be stuck with "frustrating compromise" house. This afternoon we have the inspection, which is causing me some anxiety. I mean...it's become pretty obvious by now that things in my life do NOT often travel a smooth road. So I'm holding my breath, waiting for the next crisis to occur. Hopefully I'm wrong and those "wait...you CAN'T have what you want after all!" days are behind us. But I've thought that before, too, and have been proven wrong. Which is why I'm wringing my hands over the inspection.

I'll continue to post updates, and after today I should have some photos to share as well.

Oh Deary Me...

This has been a roller coaster summer. No lazy, carefree days...just arms-out screaming as life plunges us to the depths and then just as fast raises us to the heights, and nobody can see anything because everything is just moving too fast. Hair in our faces. Whiplash necks. Hoarse throats.

But at least we're on the upswing of the roller coaster now. Dave got a new teaching position, after a summer of much anxiety and dark imaginings. Which means we'll once again push forward on the house-hunting. It's funny how Good Things tend to come on their own terms. We wanted to buy a house in June/July because we knew that period offerred the rare window of time when we wouldn't be swamped by the "education calendar" ~ if you work in education, you understand the importance of timing everything out just so. So it's kind of another little test that we'll be (hopefully) buying a home/moving right at the beginning of a school year, while Dave is adjusting to a new school and while I'm adjusting to balancing full-time work with full-time graduate school. Literally, the timing probably couldn't be worse. But we really need to make this happen before the snow flies and (perhaps more importantly) before certain tax incenstives expire.

So I won't complain! Not complaining! We're very happy with this development. Perhaps it's just that the universe really, really wants to make sure we want this house...I mean, short of an avalanche or falling trees, it seems every obstacle has been thrown at us. Actually, I take that back. I better not tempt fate by saying more ~ I can already hear it mocking "I'll give you something to complain about!" All the best things in my life have come on their own tardy schedule, so I'll just be content that we're able to move forward now. But do know this. If we've ever done favors for people, we'll be calling in those favors over the next few months (I feel like the Godfather when I say that..."there may come a time when I call upon you to perform a service"). And I also suspect I'll be using my full allotment of vacation time by the end of December, which will make for a very grumpy spring.

Other than that great news, we've been getting healthier. I've been happily losing the weight I gained over this summer (at some point, both Dave and I decided that since life had become particularly hard, it meant that calories suddenly wouldn't count...like a free pass or compensation).

And for being such an axious summer, we have had a particularly good summer in terms of getting together with friends. Our friends are such a blessing! Never has that been more apparent.

Funny how all toppled things end up righting themselves in due time.

And now, I'm taking tomorrow off! We're meeting with a mortgage broker and enjoying one last splash of free time before Dave officially starts his new position on Monday. Yay!

HP Update

I've had some questions on where HP is at. How lovely! Thanks for asking.

This blog was meant to chart HP's progress, along with my thoughts on the struggles and victories found in writing my first novel. But it's turned into a more general "what's going on in mylife" blog. Especially because this has been such a frustrating and tumultuous year, it's been quite therapeutic blogging. Thank you blog! And thank you commentors! And more often than not, I find it difficult to talk about my progress on HP. I mean...I'm at the revising stage, so it's really the writing equivalent of cleaning out and organizing a closet, which is very time-consuming and involving for me but maybe not so interesting to other people. Earlier in the writing process would have been a better time to blog ~ that's when all the exciting stuff happens! But at that point blogging would also have been an unwanted distraction. So I've just been updating about HP when something interesting happens, rather than sharing what's been going on for the last month or two...which includes weeding out excessive "to be" construction, clarifying time shifts, questioning my overuse of adjectives, and other "house-keeping" (boring but necessary) tasks.

As for the blog itself, I'm finding that I'm not sure where I want to keep its focus. If I'll return to focusing primarily on writing/teaching/etc., or if I'll keep it focused on the general doings of my life. I need to think about that. The blog is 1-year old now, so perhaps it's a good time to decide what I really want it to be.

But to answer the questions about HP...I am working on it. Every week. In some cases every day. Never fear! Progress is being made. It won't be long before I'm trying to pawn copies off on people and begging for feedback. So, what IS happening?

Well, I thought the first 100 pages were totally finished. But then I read a printed version of those first 100 pages...and for some reason reading something in print is a very different experience than reading something from a computer screen. I tell my students that all the time. In fact, I go so for as forcing my students to bring actual printed copies of their drafts to their writing groups, and then read those drafts out loud to each other. And when meeting with students, we always start by reading part of their work out loud. The flaws usually become immediately apparent. I'm not sure why that is. Perhaps when seeing something on a computer, your mind goes on auto-pilot and compensates for problems...or at least makes them easier to deny ("hmm, that doesn't seem right but nobody will notice"). But on paper it's far easier to read something the way other people will read it. It's kind of like the difference between purposely looking at yourself in a mirror versus accidentally catching a glimpse of yourself in a mirror. Know what I mean? So when revising this section on the computer, I was like "sure, that's good enough" and felt ready to move on. But by the time I finished reading it on paper, each page was covered with red ink, question marks, and frownie-faces.

Anyway. It needed some clean-up. Nothing creative or fun. Just proofreading. So that's what I'm doing now, and hope to finish today so I can finally move onto the middle part of the novel... which I've been talking about doing since last fall.

All this trouble will serve me well as an example next time I teach, when students suggest you can just read a paper over once and call it "revision."